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AND...WE'RE BACK... Thank you for your out-pouring of love and concern last week. I didn't think it would cause that much of a disturbance. My apologies if I frightened anyone!
The Waiting Game still sucks!
The countdown began. Only twenty-three hours, fifty-nine minutes or forty-seven hours and fifty-nine minutes left. How the hell was I going to get through it this time?
Now, it's been almost ten days and it's all really hazy and fuzzy.
How did I get through it? I took one hour at a time. I was scared shitless. I really was.
Even though everyone around me was keeping such an incredibly positive attitude, I had to be realistic. I mean, I had already been diagnosed once, so I knew what could happen. I was half preparing and half in complete shock. The first night wasn't so bad, because, after all, you know you won't hear anything that first night.
The next day, I was in a bit of a daze, to say the least. I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, took my shower, and went to work. It was all very routine and normal, but nothing was routine and normal about this very long and exhausting Thursday. With each passing moment, I knew that I was getting closer to knowing my fate. Would I have cancer again? What stage would it be? Would I need Chemo this time? Did it spread? This time, I would definitely have my family come out for support.
On the other hand, I was calm. I was emotional, but I felt quiet inside. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders. And after the first twenty-four hours, I was ready for whatever the future held for me.
I had resigned. I had resigned to good news or to bad news. Clearly, I was praying, literally praying, for a healthy outcome. In the back of my mind, however, I also had resigned that whatever might come my way, I could deal with it. I could stare cancer straight in the eye and figure it out. Life was passing by and I would be a proactive and conquering participant.
For some reason, all sorts of numbers from Beverly Hills extension kept calling me. Okay, it was only two phone calls all afternoon, but it seemed like more. I always picked up expecting it to be the P.A. or the dermatologist giving me news that was to become my fate for the next few months.
When 6pm rolled around that first day, I knew that the news would come the following day, on Friday. Okay. I mean...what could I do? I just dealt with it.
I won't keep you in suspense for very much longer, I promise. Early the next morning, a few mistakes that I had made at work (weeks prior) came to light and I got it good in the morning. I felt terrible. I am rarely reprimanded for making mistakes as I'm such a perfectionist. Alas, I realized I was overwhelmed and moving too fast. What a great way to start the day, right?
Around 11am on Friday, I received THE phone call and my iphone identified the caller as my dermatologist's office. I let it ring. Longer than I normally do.
I felt strong. I felt confident. I felt ready for whatever this young woman was about to tell me. After the pleasantries and salutations, I asked...so?
She told me it was 100% benign.
My heart dropped. Of course, I still didn't believe her, so I asked, "It's not a displastic nevi (pre-pre cancerous cell) or anything abnormal?"
"Nope! You're good. It's completely normal."
"Thank you! You just made my life!"
She laughed. I hung up.
100% BENIGN. Thank God! I took a gynormous breathe in and let a gymondo breath out. I immediately texted the 4-5 people who knew of my results. Of course, their response was "I told you so!" I thought...can't you just be happy for me? Or congratulate me? Crazy beautiful friends that I have!
I telephoned my parents, on the verge of tears. I'm 100% Benign was all I could get out and then the tears started falling. Tears of complete exhaustion and happiness. It was a great feeling. It was over, for now. This time around. I would be ready next time. I would never let it go this far without checking my moles.
Having been through this yet again, I gained some pretty important insights:
1) I need to get my check ups every 3-6 months, so I don't scare myself silly like this, the next time.
2) I need to live my life more on point with my purpose. I need to understand that everything I'm doing is a means to an end and keep the objective close to my heart. I want to inspire the world, one by one, to Smile From The Inside.
3) Support by family and friends is so important. Perhaps I need to be closer to my family. Who knows?
Have an incredible week everyone! Remember, every day is a gift. Live on gifted time.
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A Smile From The Inside Production :)