Wednesday, July 25, 2012

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS???!!! A Personal Story...Part 1


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We've spoken about stepping out.  We've spoken about cheating.  Now, we are going to speak about having OPEN relationships.  For most of us, the concept of an open relationship is doing anything you want with anyone you want during a relationship.  Hmmm.  That's not exactly how it works.  There are as many diverse and robust combinations for an open relationship as there are rules and limitations within one.  For an open relationship to function well, there have to be boundaries, communication, and respect.  I've known couples that have a don't ask don't tell policy.  I've known partners that have threeways and fourways together (which i suppose is technically an orgy, right?) all the time, yet are NOT allowed to have one-offs!  I've even known gay boys with beloved partners that are allowed to have sex with anyone (when the other is traveling) as long as they are home by the end of the night.   If these ideas sound crazy to you, then it probably means you are not built for open relationships.  If it sounds awesome to you, then you are most likely gay or really really open and secure.  lol.

From personal experience, open relationships are challenging.  I'll get into my own terrific tale in a moment, but I would like to say that, once again, it boils down to the two individuals inside the relationship.  I took a great deal of criticism for the past two weeks' blog entries.  Many have suggested that being able to step out and/or have quick fucks are for the weak, that i just haven't found the right person yet, or that my notions are just a perpetuation of the gay stereotype of, what i call, whoredom.  For some men out there in the gay world, I would have to agree that your opinions might be applicable.  However, I want to reiterate to everyone that it takes a great deal of maturity, honesty, and mutual respect to even begin a conversation about non-monogamy.  It takes a high level of security and complete confidence on oneself.  That's why it's so damn difficult.  I would venture to guess that those "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it" stories we tell ourselves, definitely stand in our way from   living that level of freedom.   I know they do for me!

Going one step further, i truly believe that partnered relationships striving for unconditional love are definitely the way to go.  We all strive to get there, but intimate relationships rarely resemble the aunt-nephew, uncle nephew, grandparents-grandson unconditional relationship.  No matter what they do, you will always love them with all of your heart.  How many of those types of relationships do you have in you life?  Exactly...not many.


I believe that we, as humans, are not supposed to be monogamous. You don't have to agree with me, just hear me out.  We are sexual beings...and if we could all find a way to be in a loving partnership and not be affected emotionally by sex outside the relationship within boundaries, I believe a great deal more people would be participating in threeways and orgies, and/or one-offs in bathrooms.  Don't you agree?  It's okay if you don't.  My job here is to shine a new light.  My blog is here to make people think outside of their normal comfort zones and traditionally set ways.  I, for one, respect anyone's decision within their own relationship and their own lives.

Open relationships when done incorrectly, just don't work out well, like for me.  At the ripe old age of 21, i entered into a relationship with an amazing guy.  He was four years older, successful, handsome, and we dated for almost four years.  I had no idea when i started dating him that it would last quite that long.  We were best friends the entire time, until our "open" relationship went awry.  For the first two years, we were in complete bliss.  We would talk about having threeways every once in a while in the heat of the moment, but were too shy to try.  We had a very healthy sex drive with one another and a very honest and committed relationship.  Toward the end of our second year, we both got the itch to have a safe threeway.  We found some young, hawt boy and proceeded with our plan.  It was great!  That experience brought us closer and kept the romance and attraction between us extremely high for the next six months.  After six months, we did another.  And another.

We never discussed boundaries and this was our greatest downfall, except for the "no repeat offenders" rule...which basically meant, we could not have a threeway with someone more than once.  In case you are wondering why not?  Favorites start happening and exclusions start becoming more obvious.  There's usually one guy that is more attractive to the third party...and it can very easily create friction and the not-so-good kind of jealousy.

In the middle of our third year together, my boyfriend traveled to Brasil on multiple occasions.  I knew what went on in Brasil, hell, we even experienced a Brasilian sauna together.  That's a story for another time, for sure!  Therefore, I gave him permission to do whatever he wanted while he was down there.  It was 6,000 miles away from Manhattan, and he would most likely never see the guy again, right?  So, while he was having fun down there, i was having some fun of my own with an extremely attractive bartender back in NYC.  My boyfriend had told me I could only have sex with that guy in a threeway as i believe he was intimidated by this bartender.  He was and still is pretty hawt.  Anyway...i hooked up with him...in our bed...  Yes, i made a poor choice.  Oops.

Because we had such an open and honest relationship, i told my boyfriend about the incident with the bartender.  He was very upset.  So much so, in fact, that he advised me that he could now go out and fuck whomever he wanted.  This guy (my bf) continuously held that over my head for the following three months.  Finally, in an angry fit of retaliation, he went and had revenge sex with the one guy, of course, that months prior i had forbade him not to.  Ewwww. 

Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end.  For several months, after that moment, we started to grow apart and faster than i had ever anticipated.  On multiple occasions, I felt mistreated by him and completely disrespected by him again and again.  Finally, after one comment he made to me on my birthday, I just decided I had had enough.  Two days later, we broke up.

Stay tuned for the incredible Part 2 of this story where months later, in my ex's eyes, i started to date his boss.  It wasn't really his boss, so that's not completely accurate, but it definitely was not so smart!

FINAL THOUGHTS:
1)  My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and families of the Aurora shooting.  I truly believe CNN and Anderson Cooper, in particular, is doing some amazing work by omitting the suspect's name and focusing on the deceased and the heroes from the incident.  Kudos!!!
2)  I had a great time in Vegas this past weekend as the token gay at a fabulous Bachelorette.  We had a great time ladies.  I'm still hurting...three days later.
3)  My current boyfriend decided that it would be fun to purchase two more chickens.  One...to eat.  The other, just because he wanted another...without my permission.  Fun.  Now, we have five chickens.  Pics to follow.
4)  My editor and I are almost finished with Chapter 1 of my book, "How I Learned to Smile From The Inside."  It is beyond exciting.  Will keep you apprised for the big countdown for the publishing date.
5)  When was the last time you went out of little out of your way to make someone else's day?  Be honest.  I try to do it at least once a day.

Until next time, bitches...
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A Smile From the Inside production.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

SIX DEGRESS OF NON-MONOGAMY...

This was me when i wanted to be monogamous!

First, i wanted to be very clear about something.  Last week, when i was saying i wanted partnership in my life, I was speaking in general terms.  I have a partner in my life and I hope we remain together for a very very long time.  I was making the point, that, we all want partnership, it just doesn't necessarily have to mean monogamy.  My apologies if i offended anyone.

This past week's blog got more than 50 unique hits in one day, and one of the most viewed blog updates to date.  That's not including all of you whom belong to the subscribe email below (which i still can't figure out) or the google group for this site.  It was a huge week for the blog.  Many people have voiced their feelings with me offline and i appreciate each and every one of them.  You don't have to agree with me, obviously, I'm here to make people think...preferably outside the box.  I believe that's where true greatness and success lie...outside the box.  Richard Branson didn't get to where he is today by being normal, nor did Rupert Murdoch stay between the lines, right?  Greatness, brilliance, and success are achieved from an indestructible commitment to doing and being your best at every moment, even if that means coloring outside the lines for a bit.  We have the power and wherewithal to do anything we want in this life.  Take more chances.  Open your mind just a little bit more...and inspire people to think, be, and do better.  Sorry, i digress.

Stepping Out.  My definition of stepping outside of a relationship is most likely different than what you might have in your mind right now.  My definition completely respects and honors the relationship.  It demands a high level of maturity, security, and trust.  It is incredibly challenging to achieve this level of confidence and it borders on unconditional love.  Stepping outside of a relationship means having sex with people outside of the relationship with permission.  What does that mean?  It means that I can from time to time, (i'm not saying this is a daily, weekly, or even monthly occurrence) ask my partner for his permission, so that I can get my groove on with some little hottie down the street, or some little hottie that i met at the gym, etc...  If he says no, then i don't go!  If he says yes, then it's on.  Think about it.  It's safe for the heart.  It's respectful and honors the relationship and partnership.  Sometimes a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship, although many therapists might disagree with this particular practice.  It keeps things fresh, exciting, and alive.



Cheating.  Whereas the above definition of stepping out might be different than yours, i can guarantee you that my definition of Cheating is the same.  It completely disrespects and dishonors the relationship.  Cheating is probably never a good idea.  It always creates a fortitude of heavy emotions and it is messy.  Cheating requires little thought and little action.  I define cheating is having sex with one individual or more, outside the relationship, without permission, respect, or honor.  Most of you are probably thinking for a guy who believes in "Stepping Out," how can I be so against Cheating?  I believe there are healthy ways to be non-monogamous and I believe there are destructive and potentially dangerous ways of being non-monogamous.  For a relationship/partnership to work, in my humble opinion, it requires trusting communication, incredible honesty, 100% acceptance, patience, and a LOT of LOVE.  Cheating pretty much breaks all of those beautiful words and ruins them.  I must interject one small item here.

When  someone cheats, it is usually a very telling and provocative expression of what's going on inside their head, right?  It might not mean THE END of a relationship.  Like hitting someone.  Now, that's a deal breaker, for me.  I have a 0% tolerancy policy for hitting of any kind.  Cheating is not entirely black or white...other than it is always a poor choice and one should definitely communicate and be honest with your partner prior to going down this road.

On a side note.  I've been cheated on in a relationship and it hurts.  I have also been the one who cheats...and that sucks too!  I believe we all know what this feels like...and because of that, we must always do our best to make people feel wanted and respected as opposed to so shitty, for lack of a better or more descriptive tone.


The Honest Combo.  I believe there does exist a combination of the afore-mentioned practices.  If "Stepping Out" stretched you a little, then this one might blow your mind.  Make sure you're sitting.  (Most of you probably are anyway!)  There are those occasions where a combo might occur.  For example, if you are more than 500+ miles away, and you are generously propositioned by some hot girl/guy at the hotel or gym, and you just can't get to the phone to text for permission.  Sometimes these things just happen.  A quick blow job.  A fast fuck in a stall.  In my mind, they don't really mean much.  It's not an affair.  There was little time to think and/or process the repercussions.  Now, i'm not saying this works for all relationships.  This Honest Combo needs to be discussed at length and handled before a situation like this arises.  I think, if mutually agreed upon, situations like these could be intimate sexual material for your own bedroom.  See!  I told you i might blow your mind.  Opinions?

How I think it works.
Why didn't anyone tell me that relationships had so many unforeseen facets to them.  My parents made it look and seem so easy.  Ugh!  I am definitely blessed and fortunate enough to be able to say that, right?  They set an amazing foundation for me to see, witness, and experience first hand the incredible and special relationship that can be.  For me, unfortunately, and, for many people in my generation and below, most likely we will not have the same opportunities.  It's so hard nowadays to be partners with anyone, right?


To each their own is the point I really want to get across to you.  Until you have walked 10 miles in someone else's shoes, you cannot even begin to comprehend their life and their choices.  In fact, you will never understand other people's relationships.  Are they in love?  How are they happy?  Does that really work for them?  Who the fuck am I to judge anyone else for their "crazy" and "unique" relationships.  Sometimes i feel like i'm barely holding onto mine, you know!  I'm saying that we, as humans, have no idea what goes on in the minds of others, therefore, we must not judge anyone for their relationship/partnerships choices.  In fact, why judge anyone at all?

Next week...I will give my thoughts on Open Relationships and more... Ugh.  Those are challenging and nearly impossible, in my mind.  They can be so complex and filled with so much "stuff" in them.  We'll get into that next week!  That way, i can really delve into my old feelings.  Great!  I can't wait!


MY FINAL THOUGHTS:
1) Life is too short to be taken so seriously -- Oscar Wilde (of course, leave it to a gay man to say something so profound)
2) I found an amazing editor for my first book, "How I Learned To Smile From The Inside".  She is unbelievable and I cannot wait to start working with her.
3) I am going to set my new date for the completion and open selling of my book, September 25, 2012, which also happens to be my birthday.  I hope you will join me in doing a crazy countdown.  At that point, i will really need your help and support as i want to sell as many copies as possible.
4) To each their own.  Who are we to judge anyone else's relationships?  That's right, we have no right.
5) Oh and in case you were wondering... this weekend is the 2nd annual Goatalympics!  (www.goatalympics.org)  I so wish i could go!!!
5) Keep smiling everyone...and if you aren't...inspire someone else to smile first...See if that works!

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A Smile From The Inside Production :)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

WHY MONOGAMY IS NOT ALWAYS THE ANSWER...PART ONE


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So, usually i commence the blog with some witty little comments about how I am doing in my life or how appreciative i am of the continued support from all my friends.  Today, i'm diving right in.  I have been thinking a great deal about the topic of monogamy vs. non-monogamy, truth be told, ever since I started this blog.  And week after week, people (friends of mine) have constantly asked me when we are going to get to the "monogamy" debates.  Well, it's time.  I don't think I can do this topic proper justice in just one blog.  Nope, i imagine this will be a topic for several weeks.  But...keep reading.  It will be very interesting.

THE QUESTIONS ON MY MIND:
Can you honestly tell me that you only want to sleep with one person for the rest of your life?  Can you look into my eyes and swear to me that this woman or this man will be the last person with whom you will ever have sex?  Do you honestly think that humans are meant to be monogamous?  Why are we in the minority of mammals that practice monogamy?  Could i be happy having sex with only one person for the rest of my life?  How exactly am i going to explain monogamy to my kids?  Do I want monogamy for my life?   How did my grandparents stay together, most likely monogamous for over 60 years?  Now, that just blows my mind.  Literally and figuratively.

THE ANSWERS I TELL MYSELF:
No fucking way, man.  I am a gay man, which loosely means, that I am always going to be attracted and always going to wanna explore other men's bodies and physicalities.  I don't think i have it in me to sexually be with one person for the rest of my life.  I think, for me, that would feel like complete torture.  I do NOT believe that humans are meant to be sexually monogamous.  So much so, in fact, that I believe that the wave of the future will lead much more to non-monogamy than monogamy.  I most certainly would not be happy only having sex with one person for the rest of my life.  

However, i am willing to have threeways and foursomes with the person i love, and not go out on my own.  Next week, we'll talk about cheating vs. stepping out (as i call it).  One is unacceptable while the other is perfectly healthy.  As for explaining monogamy to my kids, that's one i'm definitely going to have to re-visit years down the line.  My answer right now would be... very carefully and when it is age-appropriate.  Lastly, as for my grandparents, i have NO idea how that happens.  I think it's generational.  Back then, they were told they must stay together (forever) and that was the expectation.  Nowadays, if one makes 10 years, it is considered an accomplishment, but there's no guarantee you must stay with your first, second, or third marriage.  Additionally, i think back then, you were taught that someone else could make you happy whereas nowadays, we learn the only person that can make you happy is you.  Don't you agree?

It's funny I also believe more in 80% monogamy, vs. 50% monogamy.  What's the difference?  80% monogamy...means i have sex pretty much mostly with my partner, but we definitely dabble alone with other boys from time to time, or we dabble together with other boys from time to time.  50% Monogamy means i am having just as much sex with other people as my boyfriend.  The 80%  monogamy fosters a very happy medium.  And what most of you don't know, is that this little piece of non-monogamy, if done correctly and respectfully, helps to keep the excitement, the healthy jealousy, and the love ALIVE.  Don't knock it until you try it.

PARTNERSHIP VS. MONOGAMY:
I want to make one very important distinguishing point here.  Just because I do not necessarily believe in 100% monogamy for my future, please know that I DO want to find partnership with one person, under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All.  Of course, i want to spend my life with someone.  Preferably with someone who feels similarly about the monogamy vs. monogamy issue.  You'd be surprised how vast the spectrum is with couples in today's gay world.  We'll explore that point much more next week too!  I truly believe that soon even straight couples will start exploring more than they already do.  Times are a-changing...perhaps slowly...and you may think i'm nuts right now, but just wait. We have way too much sensory stimulation all the time in our generation, and eventually that will creep into our bedrooms.  So, somewhere, deep down inside, just think about what i'm saying here.  There are definitely wrong ways to do this and then there are ways that protect and respect all parties involved.

MORE THOUGHTS:
Sex is not a free for all.  When in a relationship, there are rules and boundaries that need to be in place.  As long as they work for both humans involved, it could be a match made in heaven.  If not, take it from personal experience, it could easily be the start of a very rapid demise for you and your loved one.  It is clearly a personal choice between you and your partner.  I've tried it both ways and all ways, and I'm still coming to terms with my exact feelings on the subject.  It's a work in progress for me, personally.  Remember, here, i'm focused on sex and sex only...there are no feelings involved.  This is a hawt blow job in the gym, one rainy afternoon, that means nothing.  These are not formed emotional attachments or long term affairs.  It's just sex people!

SIDEBAR:
And Kirk Cameron does it again?  Now he's saying, we have to take God at his word, if we want to have a great future in this world.  Read the article or watch the video.  Craziness.  Clearly, he goes on.  I'm curious if he convenes personally with God on a regular basis.  I mean, we all talk to God, right?  But, does he respond in words?  I really really want to ask Kirk, and will if i ever get the chance, if he knows that the Bible was written by monks over hundreds of years, who were probably celibate.  Ewwww....gross!!!  Again, Kirk, in what world do you live?

FINAL THOUGHTS:
1) I met with a potential editor today for my book...yeehaw!  It was awesome!!!  I thought you all would find it hilarious as the first cute issue she commented on was my usage of the three exclamation points.  It's kind of my signature move.  Well, not anymore.  It will be toned down.  A Lot.
2) If you like my blog, please SHARE it ONCE on FB or re-tweet it ONCE on Twitter.  Please?
3) Start thinking about fantastic ideas for how I can be the "Smile From The Inside" guy.  TV Shows?  Radio Shows?  etc...?
4) In my opinion, patience and courage are the most challenging virtues of all.  They require an unbelievable amount of self-discipline and self-acceptance.  What do you think?


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A Smile From The Inside production :)


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

TALES FROM MY FUNNIER GAY SIDE...




Happy 4th Everyone!!!  Since i am still trying to find my voice with this blog, and I am exploring the fabulous world of gay-ness as well as the rewarding self-help aspects/techniques through my "Smile From The Inside" world, I wanted to change it up a little today.  Today, i'd like to capture what i consider to be something that we all don't do enough.  That is TO LAUGH.  I truly believe that one of the secrets to mastering this life is to laugh a lot.  One on one, i'm not that funny.  Get me in a group, however, and somehow i become hilarious.  Really, there's nothing better than watching people laugh so much it hurts.  There are two humorous tales below.  One is my own story (from yesterday), while the other is a story someone forwarded to me (yesterday) in an email, which apparently is true.  Both stories reminded me that laughter is truly a nice workout for the mind, body, and soul.  Enjoy!!!

Last night, my bf and I went to get some passport photos at CVS.  The extremely Korean lady behind the photodesk, Marilou, was all too flirty with him throughout the entire 5-minute process, to which he was completely oblivious.  As i was paying for the pics, because he had temporary lost his wallet (surprise, surprise), he asked her if she thought the pics were good.  She said in her extreme Korean accent, "Oh yes, very handsom'.  Even betta' in person".  Oh, that's sweet, i might have muffled under my breathe.  She continued, "Single?".  I said, "Unfortunately, he's not single." She didn't stop there, "I have daughter???"  At this point, I said, "Do you have a son?  That's more up his alley!!!"  

Marilou clearly didn't want to hear what i was saying, and was relentless, "She look for good husband, you good husband???"  My bf really didn't hear what was transpiring until this point, so i turned to him, "She has a daughter???" Then, i turned to this nice middle-aged Korean woman, "Good luck with that, Marilou!!!"  I was about to say, "He likes cock, Marilou"...but that probably would have been a little inappropriate.  Gee wiz, determination and focus might just get you anything in this world, huh?  Or perhaps she was just a little hard of hearing.  Who knows???

I promise this story is ten times as funny!

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (TRUE STORY):

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super!'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman  hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' 

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray-up, Bitch!'

Isn't that hilarious???!!!

FINAL THOUGHTS:
1) I probably say this every week but I do truly appreciate all of the good things you all have to say about my blog.  So, if you like it, share it!!!
2) I completed the rough draft for my first book in my trilogy.  Now, i am reviewing for edits, and then need a "real" editor to proofread it and tear it apart.  Then, i cannot wait to self-publish it!  Wish me luck, bitches!!!
3) Because I know most of you have asked about my job situation, i am happy to say that I actually have a short-term HR/Project Manager consultant position for the next 3 months!  I start on Thursday!!!
4) A little trivia below...who said these super famous quotes???

If we couldn't laugh, we'd all go insane!  -- ???

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter... --  ???

Bye!!!
Seth(ie)

A Smile From The Inside Production :)


Maya Angelou“I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.”