Tuesday, October 30, 2012

WHY IS MONEY SO GOSH DARN STRESSFUL...



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Why is it so stressful?  I have always had a really hard time with money.  Either I spend too much, I don't save enough, or I am paying off large amounts of debt.  Now that my debt is under control, I still have regular bills and some loans to pay back.  That said, I find myself so stressed!!!  Why am I so stressed?  For years, I have been racking my brains to figure out an answer to this question only to discover that I am terrified of losing everything, being a failure, and returning home to my parents, broke, at thirty-four years of age.  That would be my worst case scenario. (My parents would never let me sleep on the street or starve.  Knowing that does honestly make me feel better.  Because, even that's better than nothing.)  My goal is to distance myself from that worst-case situation rather than grow ever-closer to it.  And over the past few weeks, I have been feeling the imminence of the worst-case-scenario.

And some of you might say, but you have your book coming out...or three books coming out in the next two years.  Believe you me, that definitely keeps me alive and kicking, but it's not making me money now...and I cannot rely on that money as my source of income...unless I sell 100,000 copies.  Then, I can definitely stop the temp job, and focus on my other books and aspirations.  But, living in reality, as challenging and disgusting as it has felt recently, I need to keep my big pants on...and get to fucking work already...perhaps even get a second job.  Yikes!  I hate being an economic statistic!

What am I going through now?   I have very little money in my bank account.  I am anxiously awaiting not only an incredible full time position, but also the release of my book, which hopefully will be within the next two months.  More about that later...   Anyway... I need to contribute to my household, to my relationship, and pay all my bills.  Therefore, I must work NOW and it took me six weeks even to get this temp position.  Good news is I have been on probably 2-4 interviews per week for the past few weeks.  Bad news is, I am either overqualified or not "seasoned" enough.  I am probably applying to anywhere between 15 and 30 great positions per week...looking for jobs three to four hours per day.  I must admit...I am exhausted...and am so tired of searching for jobs.  It's hard.  And it hurts at times.  My emotions are a daily roller coaster with one second being extremely disappointed in myself to the next being extremely excited and enthusiastic about my next job.

I struggle with this.  A lot.  Lately.  Yesterday, I was sick.  I stayed home.  Even though I was at home, watching CNN and Sandy, all-day-long... (as all of my family lives in the Northeast), as if Sandy wasn't enough, I was also stressed about losing one full day of wages.  Ugh.  On a happier note, today I started my new temp job.  It is an HR Assistant role at KornFerry.  Good company, right?  The problem is after being a Senior Management Executive in HR/Operations for several years now, it takes an enormous amount of humility (or something) to enter into this new situation.  Today, I was asked by four different people if I had ever worked in HR before.  That's when it hit home the hardest.  I had to literally bite my tongue, swallow my snide remarks, and gently reply in the affirmative.  I see no reason to tell anyone yet about the fact that I used to run HR, am accustomed to having 7-8 people report to me, and if we were in different circumstances, they ultimately would be reporting into someone else, who would then me report into me.   It was difficult, but I kept a smile on me the whole day long.  I think I'm just happy to be working and knowing that money is on it way.

No matter what the situation, you must make the best of it.  Today, I literally FILED for the vast  majority of the day.  Aside from the silly paper cuts, the time flew by and I just found myself happy in my organizing and chronological bliss.  I strive to always leave companies in better shape than when I started.  That doesn't change whether I make $20/hr or $100/hr.  Today, the file room went from super disorganized to uber spic and span...and to be honest, I cannot wait to return tomorrow, so I can finish and Wow them with my organization skills.  Who knows...anything could happen, right?

What's my solution to it all:  I have decided I'm just gonna enjoy myself.  I'm going to enjoy the menial tasks and enjoy not having mega-responsibility.  I have also decided I am going to look for  great opportunities to learn new HR thingies and be grateful that I even have a temp job given today's market.  Further more, I am going to do everything in my power to make a certain amount of money per month, even if that means getting a second job for $12/hr.  The more I work, the more money will come in, and the less time I will have to worry about it.  Listen, I'm not saying it's easy.  It's not.  But i'm doing the best I can.  I'm doing the work that needs to be done.  It will all pay off in the end.  (Man...my book better make me millions!!!)

FINAL THOUGHTS:
1)  I surreptitiously ran into my PR guy over the weekend.  He was raving to a book critic about how excellent my book is...but I wasn't prepared with my sound-bytes and answers, so I failed miserably.
2)  Good thing is...he thinks the book is fantastic and has the potential to be something absolutely huge. Bad news is...I have a great deal of work to do to tidy up my answers, responses, and sound-bytes in order to be Matt Lauer and Katie Couric proof.  lol.
3)  My heart and prayers go out to everyone in the Northeast affected by Sandy.  Click here and it will take you to at least three ways to donate.
4)  I hope my story this week helps someone else close to me.  The range of emotions I have been feeling lately I would not wish upon anyone else.  I hope it helps.  Stay honest.  Stay humble.
5)  Smiling From The Inside is a lifestyle choice.  It is all about living a happier, easier, and more balanced existence.  Some days it's easier than others.  Don't you agree?
6)  Perhaps I am also sad because I haven't been watching RuPaul's All Star Drag Race...I can't wait!

Have a great week!

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A Smile From The Inside Production :)

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