Wednesday, July 11, 2012

WHY MONOGAMY IS NOT ALWAYS THE ANSWER...PART ONE


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So, usually i commence the blog with some witty little comments about how I am doing in my life or how appreciative i am of the continued support from all my friends.  Today, i'm diving right in.  I have been thinking a great deal about the topic of monogamy vs. non-monogamy, truth be told, ever since I started this blog.  And week after week, people (friends of mine) have constantly asked me when we are going to get to the "monogamy" debates.  Well, it's time.  I don't think I can do this topic proper justice in just one blog.  Nope, i imagine this will be a topic for several weeks.  But...keep reading.  It will be very interesting.

THE QUESTIONS ON MY MIND:
Can you honestly tell me that you only want to sleep with one person for the rest of your life?  Can you look into my eyes and swear to me that this woman or this man will be the last person with whom you will ever have sex?  Do you honestly think that humans are meant to be monogamous?  Why are we in the minority of mammals that practice monogamy?  Could i be happy having sex with only one person for the rest of my life?  How exactly am i going to explain monogamy to my kids?  Do I want monogamy for my life?   How did my grandparents stay together, most likely monogamous for over 60 years?  Now, that just blows my mind.  Literally and figuratively.

THE ANSWERS I TELL MYSELF:
No fucking way, man.  I am a gay man, which loosely means, that I am always going to be attracted and always going to wanna explore other men's bodies and physicalities.  I don't think i have it in me to sexually be with one person for the rest of my life.  I think, for me, that would feel like complete torture.  I do NOT believe that humans are meant to be sexually monogamous.  So much so, in fact, that I believe that the wave of the future will lead much more to non-monogamy than monogamy.  I most certainly would not be happy only having sex with one person for the rest of my life.  

However, i am willing to have threeways and foursomes with the person i love, and not go out on my own.  Next week, we'll talk about cheating vs. stepping out (as i call it).  One is unacceptable while the other is perfectly healthy.  As for explaining monogamy to my kids, that's one i'm definitely going to have to re-visit years down the line.  My answer right now would be... very carefully and when it is age-appropriate.  Lastly, as for my grandparents, i have NO idea how that happens.  I think it's generational.  Back then, they were told they must stay together (forever) and that was the expectation.  Nowadays, if one makes 10 years, it is considered an accomplishment, but there's no guarantee you must stay with your first, second, or third marriage.  Additionally, i think back then, you were taught that someone else could make you happy whereas nowadays, we learn the only person that can make you happy is you.  Don't you agree?

It's funny I also believe more in 80% monogamy, vs. 50% monogamy.  What's the difference?  80% monogamy...means i have sex pretty much mostly with my partner, but we definitely dabble alone with other boys from time to time, or we dabble together with other boys from time to time.  50% Monogamy means i am having just as much sex with other people as my boyfriend.  The 80%  monogamy fosters a very happy medium.  And what most of you don't know, is that this little piece of non-monogamy, if done correctly and respectfully, helps to keep the excitement, the healthy jealousy, and the love ALIVE.  Don't knock it until you try it.

PARTNERSHIP VS. MONOGAMY:
I want to make one very important distinguishing point here.  Just because I do not necessarily believe in 100% monogamy for my future, please know that I DO want to find partnership with one person, under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All.  Of course, i want to spend my life with someone.  Preferably with someone who feels similarly about the monogamy vs. monogamy issue.  You'd be surprised how vast the spectrum is with couples in today's gay world.  We'll explore that point much more next week too!  I truly believe that soon even straight couples will start exploring more than they already do.  Times are a-changing...perhaps slowly...and you may think i'm nuts right now, but just wait. We have way too much sensory stimulation all the time in our generation, and eventually that will creep into our bedrooms.  So, somewhere, deep down inside, just think about what i'm saying here.  There are definitely wrong ways to do this and then there are ways that protect and respect all parties involved.

MORE THOUGHTS:
Sex is not a free for all.  When in a relationship, there are rules and boundaries that need to be in place.  As long as they work for both humans involved, it could be a match made in heaven.  If not, take it from personal experience, it could easily be the start of a very rapid demise for you and your loved one.  It is clearly a personal choice between you and your partner.  I've tried it both ways and all ways, and I'm still coming to terms with my exact feelings on the subject.  It's a work in progress for me, personally.  Remember, here, i'm focused on sex and sex only...there are no feelings involved.  This is a hawt blow job in the gym, one rainy afternoon, that means nothing.  These are not formed emotional attachments or long term affairs.  It's just sex people!

SIDEBAR:
And Kirk Cameron does it again?  Now he's saying, we have to take God at his word, if we want to have a great future in this world.  Read the article or watch the video.  Craziness.  Clearly, he goes on.  I'm curious if he convenes personally with God on a regular basis.  I mean, we all talk to God, right?  But, does he respond in words?  I really really want to ask Kirk, and will if i ever get the chance, if he knows that the Bible was written by monks over hundreds of years, who were probably celibate.  Ewwww....gross!!!  Again, Kirk, in what world do you live?

FINAL THOUGHTS:
1) I met with a potential editor today for my book...yeehaw!  It was awesome!!!  I thought you all would find it hilarious as the first cute issue she commented on was my usage of the three exclamation points.  It's kind of my signature move.  Well, not anymore.  It will be toned down.  A Lot.
2) If you like my blog, please SHARE it ONCE on FB or re-tweet it ONCE on Twitter.  Please?
3) Start thinking about fantastic ideas for how I can be the "Smile From The Inside" guy.  TV Shows?  Radio Shows?  etc...?
4) In my opinion, patience and courage are the most challenging virtues of all.  They require an unbelievable amount of self-discipline and self-acceptance.  What do you think?


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A Smile From The Inside production :)


2 comments:

  1. Perhaps monogamy is easier for women. I can honestly say that yes, I can see myself only having sex with one person for the rest of my life and be perfectly content and happy doing so. I honestly don't even have the desire to have sex with anyone other than my husband. I find other men attractive, but that's where it ends.

    However (and he'd probably be less than thrilled to know I am sharing this on a public blog) my husband has only ever had sex with me. I was his first and if all goes as planned, his last and only. I've asked him before if he is bothered by the fact that he'll only ever have sex with one person in his entire life. His answer is always that he has no problem with it. I think he's lying. lol I think he loves me and knows that, in our relationship, I demand monogamy and he would rather be with me and no one else than without me and with others, but I don't believe that he doesn't have the desire to have sex with other people or the regret that he never did and will, if all goes as planned, be able to. I honestly don't believe that it is in a man's nature to be monogamous, but I believe that many choose what they believe to be the "lesser of two evils" when they fall in love with someone who demands monogamy.

    However, just because I demand monogamy in my relationship doesn't mean I think that is what is best for all relationships, it's just what I believe works best for me.

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  2. Woman are nesters. We want to nest. If children weren't in the picture, or the biology of having kids, I'm sure women would not feel the need to nest, and therefore, feel the need to not be monogamous either. I mean, what for?

    Then again, there is a profound level of intimacy and sharing on a spiritual level that monogamy gifts us, and doesn't develop or exist much w/ casual encounters or w/ people you don't have true intimacy with. As my male Latino cousin once told me...If you are truly IN love w/ a person that he/she is the one, you don't have any desire to be with another. If you don't have those feelings for him/her, you're gonna have sex with others. That makes sense to me.

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