a little OTF (on the fly) video from me to you...
I find it no coincidence that out of my 5-6 serious partners (most of whom were man...yes, i was with a couple women), most, if not all, were either sexually abused or physically abused as children. It definitely was and continues to be a major problem. Therefore, i want to tell my story. I am breaking this blog into Part 1 and Part 2 (and possibly Part 3). There is a tough story to reveal and some tough words I get to express after the fact. I guarantee you it will be worth reading...so be patient. Who knows, Part 2 might even come out before next Wednesday (now...that i'm back on track).
It really sucks when you have the very first public Sexual Harassment (Man to Man) case on trial in the State of New Hampshire. Thank God, i was either away at college or studying abroad in Ecuador for the SIX YEARS the case lasted in the Court systems until finally we settled. Read the story below, please!
THE SITUATION SET UP:
I worked at a small supermarket chain in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire. In order to protect the people, my settlement, and/or the company involved, i will change names around...a bit. My sister also worked at this supermarket, thus how I easily got the job. At that age, i couldn't just rely on my good looks...i was still growing into them. I was about 15 years old when i started working there. It was my 3rd job (after shoveling shit and "helping out" my father with the semi-mandatory major landscaping and tree clearing). I started as a bagger. Yes, folks. I was a great bagger. In fact, it was suggested to me enter into the NH State Bagging Competition. Yes, i also was stunned. There is such a thing! Ok...i will speed up, because otherwise we'll never get to the good stuff. After bagging, I became a cashier at 16. I also was trained in the Produce (Fruits & Veggies) Department as well as the Grocery Department. They were definitely grooming me. Duh! 'Cause i was "wicked" smaaart! (Sorry, i had to...)
As i worked there, the Assistant Manager, we'll call him "Wilson," befriended me. He was 48 at the time. (Now, it wasn't all that weird that adults wanted to be my friends. I'd like to think that a great deal of my friends' parents LOVED having conversations and "hanging out" with me too. This went too far!) Anyway...to make a long story short, he gained my full trust. We had lunch together on various occasions, we shared "personal" information, and he let me drive his car, which for me around the age of 16, was a big deal. Of course, everyone knew what a "PERVERT" he was, but i kind of enjoyed his sassy (now, gay), bitchy, and sexual humour. Truth be told, in contrast, my sister, surely never liked the guy! He and I became very friendly...with myself even working for him on the weekends. It was a lot of fun. I never felt scared or anything around him. Looking back, i see how much i clearly needed a friend to talk to. I had just come out at school, and no one REALLY understood me...or so i thought. It was after my "It Gets Better" times... I confided in him about my sexual exploration and he confided in me about his. I believe, at first, "Wilson" definitely was interested in just being my friend...but then i think i was just too honest, sweet, cute, and delicious to a 48-year old man (who should have known better - we'll get to that). And, i too, was infatuated with this older man who gave me all the attention in the world. And, i'm not embarrassed anymore to admit it. So, there!!!
WHAT HAPPENED - THE FIRST TIME:
As time progressed, we became closer and closer, and we would share our "gay" experiences with each other. Did i mention he was "happily" married with 2.5 children, the white picket fence, and had old money??? Unfortunately or fortunately, not anymore. It was a snow stormy February weekend, and on Saturdays normally i worked up front as a cashier...and on Sunday, i split my time between Produce and Grocery. Since it was a storm, the mad rush in the am was over...and slowly, they started sending everyone home. I asked if i could get Produce and Grocery prepared enough, so that I wouldn't even need to come on that particular Sunday. Everyone went home...and it just happened that it was "Wilson" and myself in the back area finishing up. He had been hanging around me and making more sexual jokes than ever. Now that i look back, he might have totally planned the whole thing. As i was about to leave, he asked me if i needed to wash my hands. My hands were pretty dirty...so i went to wash them in the "lunch room" and he must have purposefully taken away the soap. Anyway...i followed him into the bathroom.
There, he made his move...and I thought it was completely mutual. There was no forcing to do anything...i really thought that i wanted it. I won't get too explicit, but let's just say there was kissing and groping...and then clearly, i was a 16-year-old boy, so i finished in like 2 minutes...and i was so embarrassed i ran into the stall, pulled up my pants, and tried NOT to think about ANYTHING. I was just thinking...how the hell do i get out of here as quickly as possible??? Ashamed. Disgusted. After about 5 minutes of trying to coax me out of the bathroom stall, he left the room. Then, after a few more minutes, i left and drove straight home.
On the way home (my 7-10 minute drive...only because of the snow), i kept telling myself that it was my second "gay" person encounter...and that it was another sexual experience. I should just put it in the same place as i put my first love, Matthew. Something inside of me, though, must have known that it was NOT okay. The next week, he came up to me at work and asked me to please keep my mouth shut about what happened. He advised that it was very special to him but if word got out, it would ruin him. Are you kidding??? The whole conversation was absurd. Of course, i wasn't going to tell anyone. I kept his word...FOR FIVE MONTHS!!! About as long as it takes to destroy one's colon enough to be diagnosed with IBS for the next 4 years. Good times!
WHAT HAPPENED - THE SECOND TIME:
Everything eventually got back to "normal," and we pretty much stopped speaking after that. He was extremely careful from then on. I would always catch him staring at me and, you know what, i actually felt sorry for him. I mean, here's a man, who clearly was gay and was pretending to be straight to everyone but his wife. Apparently, she knew about his gay sexcapades! And "Wilson" had resorted to manipulating a kid into a sexual encounter with him. I still feel sorry for him, to this day!
Then roughly in July, "Wilson" happend to be sitting next to me in the lunch room with my sister present. He was playing footsies with me...and of course, being a 16-year-old boy, i got horny. Duh! I went into the bathroom kinda hoping he would follow, kinda not. He followed me into the bathroom. Oh god...i thought. I started to pray that someone would come in the room. I immediately went into the stall and locked the door. He kept trying to entice me to come out...by saying "You have a beautiful penis..." -- which kinda ruined the phrase for me until about a few years ago. I would always shy away from anyone who said that. I mean, i am very happy down there...(let's just keep it at that...since i know my parents and the world are reading this!) Anyway...after about 3-5 minutes, someone walked up the stairs and "Wilson" left the room. I then referred to that random guy as my hero for the next few months, until i left for school. That "HERO" still, to this day, probably has no idea that he helped me from a very precarious, uncomfortable, and illegal situation. Even my sister noticed there was something off about the whole situation.
It would take me a few more weeks to build up enough courage to finally tell my friend, Matthew, and then my parents...YIKES!!!
In an effort to keep EVERYONE engaged, stay tuned for Part 2 (next week) when I tell you all about HOW IT CAME OUT; THE AFTERMATH; POLICE, LAWYERS, AND MORE LAWYERS OH MY!!!; and MY PROCESS (almost 18 years later). There might even be a Part 3.
I'm sure at some point, I will include the full full story in detail in one of my forthcoming NYTimes Bestselling Books.
THINGS TO REMEMBER:
1) Tune in for next season of RuPaul's Drag Race! I can't fucking wait!!! And a HUGE shout out to Sharon Needles for the win!!!
2) Everything in life is a choice. I could choose to be trapped by this story or i could choose to tell the world. With therapy, coaching, and tons of work on myself, I want to set the example for everyone.
3) If you LOVE the blog, please share it with everyone on your fb account. Right now. If you don't like the blog...please don't share it with anyone.
4) and don't worry about me...after publishing this blog, i am going to make a chocolate mousse for dessert tonight. I think i've surrendered and accepted completely what has happened to me. You can too!!!
5) Oh yeah...and some day, i really really really want my own Smile From The Inside TV Talk Show. Just putting it out there...
Love you bitches!!!
"Inspiring the world, one by one, to smile from the inside out" -- Seth Santoro