"In the old days, everyone wanted to DO something. Nowadays [early 90s], everyone wants to BE something. DO something and you will BE something!!! - Margaret Thatcher
I know the past two entries have been SCANDALOUS. I got the most hits yet! Woohoo!!! If only I can keep you all reading and wanting more on a weekly basis. THAT would be incredible. Thank you all for your encouragement, support, and interest in my life. The story definitely serves a greater purpose. It especially encourages me hard when my young straight hawt neighbor or the gals next door comment to me about my last blog entries before i even have a chance to say hello or good morning. Shout out to them for their support and encouragement too! They brought up a good point. What i failed to mention in Part 2 and what everyone wants to know is what happened to "Wilson".
WHAT HAPPENED TO "WILSON":
"Wilson" continued to work at the Supermarket for the duration of the trial. Because had they fired him, it would have proven that they (the Supermarket) were guilty of knowingly harboring a sexual predator. He had the same yellow Audi for about 5 years after that point. For several years after, "Wilson" was constantly watched by surveillance teams, friends of mine, and the police station for which I owe a great deal of appreciation. His wife finally divorced him and his kids pretty much stopped talking to him shortly thereafter. In the town's eyes and in his family's eyes, he was guilty. In little words, he lost everything and what happened between us ruined his life for years and years after. All he had was a sketchy, small apartment and his Assistant Manager role at the Supermarket. You will probably be amazed to know that even though what he did was illegal and wrong on so many levels, i felt responsible for a very long time for destroying his life. I have no idea where he is now. Did he really get what he deserved???
I think my parents probably had it the hardest, as for many many years, they had to drive by his car every day knowing they could not do ANYTHING to him. I cannot imagine what that must have felt like for them. It must have taken a great deal of bravery, courage and inner strength not to do anything more than what was already happening. They did everything right...and everything they could. I'm sure both of them would have liked to be in a room alone with him on various occasions...and who could blame them? The more i healed from the situation, they too, seemed to heal. Funny how that works, no?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME:
As for me, after years and years of therapy, i realized that it was not mutual. After we won the settlement, i chose to go in and see him. (Gasp! I know.) At that point, i still felt 40% responsible for what happened to him. You can only imagine how nervous I was to see him...i had thought about it a great deal, but never thought it would actually happen. Before i could stop myself, i was walking in the door to the old Supermarket. My heart was pounding. My emotions were all over the place. I was happy, sad, guilty, nervous. I think i might have even thrown up in my mouth a little. He was behind the Main Desk doing something with some machine. Even though it was 6 or 7 years later, he still looked exactly as he did when i left. He was the same sad and unhappy man when we were "friendly". It was a bit like a movie, he sensed that i was there and looked up slowly and his eyes became transfixed on mine. After about a 15 second pause, which felt like years, i said, Hi! He said, Hi! Without hesitation, I said, "I'm sorry for everything that has happened, especially ruining your life." His response was immediate. "I'm the one that is sorry for what happened. I was sick knowing that you hate me now. Not a day goes by that i don't regret it and feel horrible and ashamed. I was the adult and i should have known better." I didn't respond. I just bowed my head, almost as if a moment of silence was passing through my body. Finally, i said, "I don't hate you...i feel sorry for you!" After a second pause, he immediately asked me how my life was...and if i was blossoming like he always wanted for me (or something to that effect), and I raised my head and said, "Yes. My life is incredible. Really incredible." The look of absolute happiness came over his face. I could tell that those words to him were probably beyond GOLDEN. It was one of the first times i noticed someone smile from the inside out. Clearly, a poignant moment in my life. On that note, i left the store. When the automatic doors shut behind me, i let out a huge breathe and took in a great deep breathe and somehow and for some reason felt relieved. I felt so sad for him...and so happy for me.
As my life carried on through my 20s, i would think about the sexual manipulation from time to time. I would think about how much it shaped who i was, and who i forever wanted to be. To say, i wanted to be the bigger person might give the wrong impression, but i wanted some type of closure...and showing him that no matter what happened or how it happened, i would go forward with my incredible life, my incredible journey, and heal from all of my wounds. Nothing was going to stop me. Ever. That was my gift to myself AND amazingly enough to him. Really, who cares about him? Right? But, I don't think anyone deserves an unhappy existence, even if it is self-inflicted.
CONTINUING TO HEAL 18 YEARS LATER:
Have i forgiven him? Yes. I believe when i "apologized" to him...that was my way of forgiving him. Forgiving myself took more work. It took me almost 10 years to realize that it was not a mutual 50/50 encounter. Lots of hard work on myself. Lots of personal development. It wasn't until coaching someone else through a similar event did i re-visit my own situation. It has been a great journey of introspection. My mother over the past 2 weeks has reminded me of even more details and the last few weeks have been great for my entire family. Who knew??? (I did, clearly).
You know, i had thought that after 18 years, i would have completely and fully accepted this situation as an emotionally charged and unfortunate event that happened to me when i was 16. I have to confess that even after writing these three parts, i had a wide arrange of emotions and, i'm not going to lie, it had been an intense experience. And I am happy to report that my healing has come to another level...100% acceptance. I have now completely EMBRACED this as my story, my event, and my history. Without it, i would NOT be who i am today. I am a firm believer in forgiveness. Forgive others and then forgive yourself...or Forgive yourself and then forgive others. Either way, i promise you will feel better.
PUBLIC SPEAKING UPDATE:
This week, i presented one of my public speaking engagements to a local highschool, California High School in Whittier, CA. It was the day after Mother's Day, and also the day after the completely addictive Series Finale for "Desperate Housewives". Sigh! Needless to say, the next morning i was feeling a bunch of different emotions, including nerves. I always think that the highschool kids are going to eat my alive...but as my teacher friends said, I'll Have Them at Hello! (Wink). I was speaking about the importance of learning languages in your life, and the clear amount of amazing opportunities and doors will open as a result. That message accompanied with a couple of my staple messages (among others) in this life: 1) Always be Authentic & Always Be Who You Are...and 2) Be Passionate about everything you do. I did have them at Hello and I had an amazing experience. They inspired me as much as i hope I inspired them. One of them even asked for my autograph. How sweet!!! The Foreign Language Department has invited me back next month for more speaking engagements. Yay!
MY FINAL THOUGHTS:
1) Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
2) Be Authentic and Be Who You Are at every minute of every day. It is so much easier.
3) If you have enjoyed the last 3 postings, i'm glad. Make sure you tell EVERYONE. If not, please tell me!
Thanks for listening!
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"Hope and Love are the most powerful concepts in the world as we know it. Without love, there is no hope. Without hope, there is no purpose." - Seth E Santoro