Wednesday, May 30, 2012

EVEN I GET DEPRESSED AT TIMES...


All i can say is UGH.

Over this past weekend, i had an amazing time as the token gay for a bachelorette.  It was incredible and TONS of fun.  The only downside of the weekend was that I, Sethy, (as my bff's refer to me), was the only one that was in a "transition" phase in life.  Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?  I am the only one who is actively seeking employment.  That's better, but honestly, i am just plain "UNEMPLOYED."  That's hard to say...for me.  I spinned it all sorts of ways over the weekend, but the reality hit me very hard 24 hours ago and I have a great deal of pride and embarrassment around this issue.  I pride myself on living in excellence and over the last 2-3 months, i have not completely lived up to my version of excellence.  Granted, I am pretty hard on myself from time to time, and I do, every so often, give myself a break, but it's time to get up...and work just like everyone else.

I can whole-heartedly say that after several years of writing, I now have a definite and clear business plan and path for the next 8-10 years. On the other hand, i have absolutely no way of paying for it unless i self-publish immediately or get a "day job"...which is exactly why i have kicked into high gear as of last week.  I normally tell people I am a consultant, which is true, and that I am in between gigs, which is also true.  To tell people, i am unemployed, though accurately reflects the status of things, is just too much for my pride to handle.  I'm sure you can all understand why the former is what i tell everyone.  Not anymore.

While i have your attention, i definitely want to thank my awesome BF for helping me out these last 3 months and all the contributions he has made...fabulous dinners, fun trips, rent, groceries, etc...  I gotta be honest, it was nice not worrying about money for the last 2-3 months, but i truly think it eats away at not only your pride, but also your self-esteem.  I am not saying don't be a housewife (goes for men and women).  I am saying make sure if you and your partner consciously and together decide it to be that way, be aware of the consequences...and definitely get some HOBBIES or potential money earning activities.  I learned several years ago to always make your own money (even if its minimal)...and I am a little upset with myself that I have yet again fallen into this terrible trap.  For the past 5 years, i have been continuously making money to pay off my well into the 5-figure debt.  Don't even ask how much or how I got there...a story for another time).  I now have about 10,000 left and it has never felt so good!  I mean, i worked through the murders, assassinations, kidnappings of Mexico, and beyond...just to stay on top of my very hefty payments for the last 55 months.  It is time again for me to grin and bear working.  Perhaps this time, i won't have to endanger my life to do so.  (Wink) 

While my bf would prefer i speak about the ins and outs of non-monogamy, and I wanted to talk about the necessity of every girl having a gay bff, both just didn't seem authentic enough to me.  Don't worry though, those are forthcoming, i promise!!!  However, since this whole entire blog is about being the best you and the most authentic you one can be, i thought it was time for my to fess up and face the truth and the criticisms.  And to make matters even more vulnerable and humbling, today, i have asked my parents for a loan.  It was the hardest and most uncomfortable thing i have to do in a very long time.  It was scary and still is scary.  And, in my opinion, it is embarrassing for their 33 year-old son to be asking for a loan.  Sometimes, i feel like, come on...get it together...but it is either ask them for money or start doing some fancy balance transfer workouts on my credit cards.   After 55 months of making payments, I'd like to think I have learned my lesson that it's just not worth it.  And so, it's Mom and Dad to the rescue...again.

As for options, well...by trade, experience, and according to my CV, I am either an International Director of Human Resources or a International Director of Operations/Logistics/Administration. That's great, right
!  And I have earned into the six-figure mark because of my unique resume.  That's clearly my first option.  Second option, taking one step down and taking a HR Manager role or an Operations Manager.  It's less money, but it will be a great "day job" for the next 3 months or 30 years, whatever it takes to get my books published and my TV Talk Show.  Third, I would even take a high paying job as an Executive Assistant/Personal Assistant or an Office Manager because again it will pay the bills.  I will not waiter.  Unfortunately, when i wait on tables, my Irritable Bowel Syndrome awakens and i keep having to fart all night long.  That is something i just won't do.  To be completely honest, i would rather wash dishes for $12/hr than wait on tables and perhaps take home $20/hr.  There you have it!  So, if you know anyone in the LA that might be able to help me out...let me know.

The only thing that has kept me from being beyond depressed and crying every day is my writing, and my BLOG.  I kid you not.  (No pun intended...btw, my goats are doing very well...we even discovered that they LOVE oranges!).  As i said earlier, it is important to have your own source of income.  

I have to say that writing this blog has been extremely cathartic for me and acknowledgement of the intense amount of sadness and disappointment i feel in myself (because I am my own responsibility), is definitely the first step to dealing with my absolute and utter despair.  If i wanted to, i could easily curl up on the couch, eat Doritos and Pepsi, watch Harry Potter (the entire collection), Six Feet Under (the complete series), and Sex & The City (the complete series) or crawl into the nearest ditch, dug by the hens in the backyard, and cry.  It even sounds nice as I write it, but i can't do that.  That will not help me.  I have an important interview today and on Friday, so I will shave, shower, put on my gay Sunday best and knock it out of the park at the interviews.  I deserve an amazing job!  And honestly, i hope that I won't even need to use most of the loan that my parents will hopefully lend to me.

I do want to thank everyone for their well wishes and continued support for my blog, my writing, or my job search.  I greatly appreciate it...even though it, at times, can be completely depressive and sad.  Thank you!

So, this week i say to you:

1)  Get a Hobbie... preferably a money-earning activity.  (LOL)
2)  Say a little prayer for Sethy over here.  I wold greatly appreciate it.
3)  Last week's blog was cute...read it if you haven't already read it.  My hen miraculously lived and is doing incredible this week.  Thanks for all of your concerns and well wishes for Griselda.
4)  If i don't respond right away to your texts or emails, it might be because I am busily searching for jobs or it might be because i am a little depressed.  Don't worry about me. 
5)  Make it an amazing weekend!!!
6)  Lastly, don't forget even the Smile From The Inside guy, from time to time, needs to be inspired and/or encouraged to do so.  it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

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1 comment:

  1. Sending lots of positive energy your way. You'll find a great job, I just know it! Cheer up, buttercup! Glad to hear that Griselda is doing better. I had a dream about you last night. You had the cutest little baby girl. I couldn't get you to name her Katie, though. lol

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