Wednesday, May 30, 2012

EVEN I GET DEPRESSED AT TIMES...


All i can say is UGH.

Over this past weekend, i had an amazing time as the token gay for a bachelorette.  It was incredible and TONS of fun.  The only downside of the weekend was that I, Sethy, (as my bff's refer to me), was the only one that was in a "transition" phase in life.  Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?  I am the only one who is actively seeking employment.  That's better, but honestly, i am just plain "UNEMPLOYED."  That's hard to say...for me.  I spinned it all sorts of ways over the weekend, but the reality hit me very hard 24 hours ago and I have a great deal of pride and embarrassment around this issue.  I pride myself on living in excellence and over the last 2-3 months, i have not completely lived up to my version of excellence.  Granted, I am pretty hard on myself from time to time, and I do, every so often, give myself a break, but it's time to get up...and work just like everyone else.

I can whole-heartedly say that after several years of writing, I now have a definite and clear business plan and path for the next 8-10 years. On the other hand, i have absolutely no way of paying for it unless i self-publish immediately or get a "day job"...which is exactly why i have kicked into high gear as of last week.  I normally tell people I am a consultant, which is true, and that I am in between gigs, which is also true.  To tell people, i am unemployed, though accurately reflects the status of things, is just too much for my pride to handle.  I'm sure you can all understand why the former is what i tell everyone.  Not anymore.

While i have your attention, i definitely want to thank my awesome BF for helping me out these last 3 months and all the contributions he has made...fabulous dinners, fun trips, rent, groceries, etc...  I gotta be honest, it was nice not worrying about money for the last 2-3 months, but i truly think it eats away at not only your pride, but also your self-esteem.  I am not saying don't be a housewife (goes for men and women).  I am saying make sure if you and your partner consciously and together decide it to be that way, be aware of the consequences...and definitely get some HOBBIES or potential money earning activities.  I learned several years ago to always make your own money (even if its minimal)...and I am a little upset with myself that I have yet again fallen into this terrible trap.  For the past 5 years, i have been continuously making money to pay off my well into the 5-figure debt.  Don't even ask how much or how I got there...a story for another time).  I now have about 10,000 left and it has never felt so good!  I mean, i worked through the murders, assassinations, kidnappings of Mexico, and beyond...just to stay on top of my very hefty payments for the last 55 months.  It is time again for me to grin and bear working.  Perhaps this time, i won't have to endanger my life to do so.  (Wink) 

While my bf would prefer i speak about the ins and outs of non-monogamy, and I wanted to talk about the necessity of every girl having a gay bff, both just didn't seem authentic enough to me.  Don't worry though, those are forthcoming, i promise!!!  However, since this whole entire blog is about being the best you and the most authentic you one can be, i thought it was time for my to fess up and face the truth and the criticisms.  And to make matters even more vulnerable and humbling, today, i have asked my parents for a loan.  It was the hardest and most uncomfortable thing i have to do in a very long time.  It was scary and still is scary.  And, in my opinion, it is embarrassing for their 33 year-old son to be asking for a loan.  Sometimes, i feel like, come on...get it together...but it is either ask them for money or start doing some fancy balance transfer workouts on my credit cards.   After 55 months of making payments, I'd like to think I have learned my lesson that it's just not worth it.  And so, it's Mom and Dad to the rescue...again.

As for options, well...by trade, experience, and according to my CV, I am either an International Director of Human Resources or a International Director of Operations/Logistics/Administration. That's great, right
!  And I have earned into the six-figure mark because of my unique resume.  That's clearly my first option.  Second option, taking one step down and taking a HR Manager role or an Operations Manager.  It's less money, but it will be a great "day job" for the next 3 months or 30 years, whatever it takes to get my books published and my TV Talk Show.  Third, I would even take a high paying job as an Executive Assistant/Personal Assistant or an Office Manager because again it will pay the bills.  I will not waiter.  Unfortunately, when i wait on tables, my Irritable Bowel Syndrome awakens and i keep having to fart all night long.  That is something i just won't do.  To be completely honest, i would rather wash dishes for $12/hr than wait on tables and perhaps take home $20/hr.  There you have it!  So, if you know anyone in the LA that might be able to help me out...let me know.

The only thing that has kept me from being beyond depressed and crying every day is my writing, and my BLOG.  I kid you not.  (No pun intended...btw, my goats are doing very well...we even discovered that they LOVE oranges!).  As i said earlier, it is important to have your own source of income.  

I have to say that writing this blog has been extremely cathartic for me and acknowledgement of the intense amount of sadness and disappointment i feel in myself (because I am my own responsibility), is definitely the first step to dealing with my absolute and utter despair.  If i wanted to, i could easily curl up on the couch, eat Doritos and Pepsi, watch Harry Potter (the entire collection), Six Feet Under (the complete series), and Sex & The City (the complete series) or crawl into the nearest ditch, dug by the hens in the backyard, and cry.  It even sounds nice as I write it, but i can't do that.  That will not help me.  I have an important interview today and on Friday, so I will shave, shower, put on my gay Sunday best and knock it out of the park at the interviews.  I deserve an amazing job!  And honestly, i hope that I won't even need to use most of the loan that my parents will hopefully lend to me.

I do want to thank everyone for their well wishes and continued support for my blog, my writing, or my job search.  I greatly appreciate it...even though it, at times, can be completely depressive and sad.  Thank you!

So, this week i say to you:

1)  Get a Hobbie... preferably a money-earning activity.  (LOL)
2)  Say a little prayer for Sethy over here.  I wold greatly appreciate it.
3)  Last week's blog was cute...read it if you haven't already read it.  My hen miraculously lived and is doing incredible this week.  Thanks for all of your concerns and well wishes for Griselda.
4)  If i don't respond right away to your texts or emails, it might be because I am busily searching for jobs or it might be because i am a little depressed.  Don't worry about me. 
5)  Make it an amazing weekend!!!
6)  Lastly, don't forget even the Smile From The Inside guy, from time to time, needs to be inspired and/or encouraged to do so.  it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

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Thursday, May 24, 2012

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN MY FAB GAY LIFE!!!

WELCOME!

My apologies for not getting this out yesterday.  I like to be consistent and dependable, as my word is everything to me.  Newsflash:  Everyone in my house is sick.  I am sick as a dog.  My Frenchie, Maggie, is throwing up too.  And to top it all off, as i'm writing this, i might have a dying hen in my other hand.  I guess for the past 10 months of owning chickens, we have been very lucky to avoid any type of disease or ailment.  That's why when one of our little hens was acting a bit stoned and her tail was droopy, i knew immediately that something was wrong.  It appears that our little hen, Griselda, has a common and usually fatal disease called Eggbinding.  Jeez'...the things you learn about chickens.  Crazy!!!  Anyway...it means that an egg is stuck in there - somewhere.   I don't pretend to know what i'm talking about.  All i can tell you is that I have seen more puckering chicken reproductive parts today than i ever wanted to see or feel...IN MY LIFE.  See pic below:

Griselda Eggbound
It appears that Griselda's "vent"...that's what the hole is called from which she lays the egg is inflamed, irritated, and that egg, for whatever reason, just doesn't want to come out.  I was always amazed how such a small creature could lay a Grade A Small Egg. Anyway...after giving her a shot of Chicken-Penicillin and lubing her vent with olive oil, (seriously?), one is supposed to separate her from the flock.  We brought her to the other side of the fence, away from the goats, and she didn't move an inch for over an hour.  The second treatment is to give her a sort of booty-bath.  I kid you not.  You must keep her lower half submerged in the very warm water for 20 minutes, which was not easy for the first 10 minutes, but eventually she calmed down.  The poor thing was respirating so heavily, we both thought she was on her way out.  The reason for the warm water booty-bath, in case you don't know, is to loosen up everything down there.

Then, comes the dilemma of drying her. Apparently, one can't use a blowdryer (my first brilliant though), as she will molt, and unfortunately could lose a bunch of feathers.  So, for 75 minutes, Griselda had been wrapped in 3 separate towels underneath my arm pit.  I just moved her to the floor where Maggie is actually laying beside her to protect.  Finally, Griselda has laid down amidst the comfort of the warm, dry towels, and I gotta be honest, her "vent" is puckering.  It's kinda gross...but I do believe it's a good thing.  It definitely was not puckering earlier.  In addition, her breathing has returned to normal.  I think the worst is over, now I just have to get her to drink some water and hand-feed her some dried WORMS.  Oh yes, they LOVE the dried worms more than chicken scratch, which is just like "candy" to them or so i've been told by other heirloom poultry enthusiasts.

How the fuck is this my life?  I never thought i would have chickens, although, truth be told, i secretly have always wanted a horse farm, so it's not THAT far off, right?  Every minute that goes by, it appears that she is waking up more and more...LAY an egg allrighty!!!  I will update you next week on Griselda.  I have full faith that she will lay an egg and make an extremely expeditious recovery.  Of course, Penicillin always helps.  Quick side note...it's not that easy to force a chicken to drink anything...it spilled over me a bit.  I freaked out, given that i am beyond allergic to it.  LOL.  i haven't blown up like the Pillsbury Dough boy yet, so i think i'm in the clear.

I'm keeping things short and sweet this week.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

1) Be very grateful for your health.  You need that!
2) I really think Jessica Sanchez was ROBBED last night on American Idol.  I have faith that like so many other runner ups, she will outshine him by millions!!!
3) Dream big because you never know what you can make happen!
4) Encourage a complete stranger to SMILE over the next few days.  It feels so good.  And then, make it a habit.
5) It could always be worse...you could feel and look like this...
Here's me at my absolute best!!!
Have an amazing week, bitches!
Until next time!  
Seth.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Secret Revealed - The Final Chapter - Part 3


"In the old days, everyone wanted to DO something.  Nowadays [early 90s], everyone wants to BE something.  DO something and you will BE something!!! - Margaret Thatcher

I know the past two entries have been SCANDALOUS.  I got the most hits yet!  Woohoo!!!  If only I can keep you all reading and wanting more on a weekly basis.  THAT would be incredible.  Thank you all for your encouragement, support, and interest in my life.  The story definitely serves a greater purpose.  It especially encourages me hard when my young straight hawt neighbor or the gals next door comment to me about my last blog entries before i even have a chance to say hello or good morning.  Shout out to them for their support and encouragement too!    They brought up a good point.  What i failed to mention in Part 2 and what everyone wants to know is what happened to "Wilson".

WHAT HAPPENED TO "WILSON":
"Wilson" continued to work at the Supermarket for the duration of the trial.  Because had they fired him, it would have proven that they (the Supermarket) were guilty of knowingly harboring a sexual predator.  He had the same yellow Audi for about 5 years after that point.  For several years after, "Wilson" was constantly watched by surveillance teams, friends of mine, and the police station for which I owe a great deal of appreciation.  His wife finally divorced him and his kids pretty much stopped talking to him shortly thereafter.  In the town's eyes and in his family's eyes, he was guilty.    In little words, he lost everything and what happened between us ruined his life for years and years after.  All he had was a sketchy, small apartment and his Assistant Manager role at the Supermarket.  You will probably be amazed to know that even though what he did was illegal and wrong on so many levels, i felt responsible for a very long time for destroying his life.  I have no idea where he is now.  Did he really get what he deserved???

I think my parents probably had it the hardest, as for many many years, they had to drive by his car every day knowing they could not do ANYTHING to him.  I cannot imagine what that must have felt like for them.  It must have taken a great deal of bravery, courage and inner strength not to do anything more than what was already happening.  They did everything right...and everything they could.  I'm sure both of them would have liked to be in a room alone with him on various occasions...and who could blame them?  The more i healed from the situation, they too, seemed to heal.  Funny how that works, no?

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME:
As for me, after years and years of therapy, i realized that it was not mutual.  After we won the settlement, i chose to go in and see him.  (Gasp!  I know.)  At that point, i still felt 40% responsible for what happened to him.  You can only imagine how nervous I was to see him...i had thought about it a great deal, but never thought it would actually happen.  Before i could stop myself, i was walking in the door to the old Supermarket.  My heart was pounding.  My emotions were all over the place.  I was happy, sad, guilty, nervous.  I think i might have even thrown up in my mouth a little.  He was behind the Main Desk doing something with some machine.  Even though it was 6 or 7 years later, he still looked exactly as he did when i left.  He was the same sad and unhappy man when we were "friendly".  It was a bit like a movie, he sensed that i was there and looked up slowly and his eyes became transfixed on mine.  After about a 15 second pause, which felt like years, i said, Hi!  He said, Hi!  Without hesitation, I said, "I'm sorry for everything that has happened, especially ruining your life."  His response was immediate.  "I'm the one that is sorry for what happened.  I was sick knowing that you hate me now.  Not a day goes by that i don't regret it and feel horrible and ashamed.  I was the adult and i should have known better."  I didn't respond.  I just bowed my head, almost as if a moment of silence was passing through my body.  Finally, i said, "I don't hate you...i feel sorry for you!"  After a second pause, he immediately asked me how my life was...and if i was blossoming like he always wanted for me (or something to that effect), and I raised my head and said, "Yes.  My life is incredible.  Really incredible."  The look of absolute happiness came over his face.  I could tell that those words to him were probably beyond GOLDEN.  It was one of the first times i noticed someone smile from the inside out.  Clearly, a poignant moment in my life.  On that note, i left the store.  When the automatic doors shut behind me, i let out a huge breathe and took in a great deep breathe and somehow and for some reason felt relieved.  I felt so sad for him...and so happy for me.

As my life carried on through my 20s, i would think about the sexual manipulation from time to time.  I would think about how much it shaped who i was, and who i forever wanted to be.  To say, i wanted to be the bigger person might give the wrong impression, but i wanted some type of closure...and showing him that no matter what happened or how it happened, i would go forward with my incredible life, my incredible journey, and heal from all of my wounds.  Nothing was going to stop me.  Ever.  That was my gift to myself AND amazingly enough to him.  Really, who cares about him?  Right?  But, I don't think anyone deserves an unhappy existence, even if it is self-inflicted.


CONTINUING TO HEAL 18 YEARS LATER:
Have i forgiven him?  Yes.  I believe when i "apologized" to him...that was my way of forgiving him.  Forgiving myself took more work.  It took me almost 10 years to realize that it was not a mutual 50/50 encounter.  Lots of hard work on myself.  Lots of personal development.  It wasn't until coaching someone else through a similar event did i re-visit my own situation.  It has been a great journey of introspection.  My mother over the past 2 weeks has reminded me of even more details and the last few weeks have been great for my entire family.  Who knew???  (I did, clearly).

You know, i had thought that after 18 years, i would have completely and fully accepted this situation as an emotionally charged and unfortunate event that happened to me when i was 16.  I have to confess that even after writing these three parts, i had a wide arrange of emotions and, i'm not going to lie, it had been an intense experience.  And I am happy to report that my healing has come to another level...100% acceptance.  I have now completely EMBRACED this as my story, my event, and my history.  Without it, i would NOT be who i am today.  I am a firm believer in forgiveness.  Forgive others and then forgive yourself...or Forgive yourself and then forgive others.  Either way, i promise you will feel better.


PUBLIC SPEAKING UPDATE:
This week, i presented one of my public speaking engagements to a local highschool, California High School in Whittier, CA.  It was the day after Mother's Day, and also the day after the completely addictive Series Finale for "Desperate Housewives".  Sigh!  Needless to say, the next morning i was feeling a bunch of different emotions, including nerves.  I always think that the highschool kids are going to eat my alive...but as my teacher friends said, I'll Have Them at Hello!  (Wink).  I was speaking about the importance of learning languages in your life, and the clear amount of amazing opportunities and doors will open as a result.  That message accompanied with a couple of my staple messages (among others) in this life: 1) Always be Authentic & Always Be Who You Are...and 2) Be Passionate about everything you do.  I did have them at Hello and I had an amazing experience.  They inspired me as much as i hope I inspired them.    One of them even asked for my autograph.  How sweet!!!  The Foreign Language Department has invited me back next month for more speaking engagements.  Yay!

MY FINAL THOUGHTS:

1) Forgive others.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive.  Forgive.  Forgive.
2) Be Authentic and Be Who You Are at every minute of every day.  It is so much easier.
3) If you have enjoyed the last 3 postings, i'm glad.  Make sure you tell EVERYONE.  If not, please tell me!

Thanks for listening!
Sincerely yours,
SethE.


HOW TO JOIN:

Many people have asked how to join my blog, you can either click on the "Subscribe by Email" below right or you can join my google group at the following address:  https://groups.google.com/d/forum/smilefromtheinside.  If you sign up there, you will automatically receive my blog updates instantly.



"Hope and Love are the most powerful concepts in the world as we know it.  Without love, there is no hope.  Without hope, there is no purpose." - Seth E Santoro

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A SECRET REVEALED - PART TWO


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Where did i leave off...oh yeah.  New Hampshire.  July 1995.

TELLING SOMEONE:
For some reason, perhaps it was the guilt or perhaps it was the fact that I knew it was "wrong," i felt the need to tell someone.  It's definitely not the easiest thing to do nor is it something that I ever wish upon anybody.  My best friend Matt was over and we were just shooting the shit.  It occurred to me that I should tell him.  I have no idea why...clearly i trusted him beyond.  After divulging my embarrassing story, he was stunned.  He was only 17 as well...what did we both know?  He advised me to tell my parents, and then the police.  He knew it was wrong too.  I must acknowledge him and thank him profusely for being an amazingly supportive 17-year old.  Would you believe that we crafted a letter together in order to tell my parents a little bit about what had happened?  We left it upstairs on their bed.

TELLING MY PARENTS:
The only problem was my parents didn't get home that night until right before I did.  Therefore, when i clumsily walked up the stairs to say good night, they had only JUST read the letter.  Oh shit!  I remember very distinctly my mother was catching her breathe to the right of their enormous victorian-style canopy-bed, letter in hand and my father was clutching his chest pacing on the left side of the bed.  I really don't remember what happened in that conversation.  At that point, i had only gleaned in my letter that "something had happened" with "Wilson" at work and that i was fine.  (I'm sure my parents will help me re-collect when i speak to them next!)  As always, they knew just what to say and just what to do.  I really hope i can be half of the father/mother my parents were to me...especially in situations like those.

For the next week, my parents were watching me like a hawk, making sure i truly was okay.  Obviously it took me another week to finally uncover the details of what that "something" was...and naturally, i left another note, this time more graphic and more honest.  That was the letter where I told them pretty much what i had confessed to all of you last week.  It was more shocking and more troublesome.  I left the note on a Saturday evening, again, on their beautiful canopy-bed.  At work for the next 2 hours, i was a nervous wreck.  My mother actually called the restaurant and told me something to the effect of, "I had to come home at once.  Tell the restaurant my father was in an accident, and i needed to go to the hospital at once."  I am a horrible liar...as everyone knows, so i did the best i could, then left.  On the 12-14 minute drive home, i think my heart stopped about four times.  I know because i could feel it beating the entire time.  I was nauseous.  I felt gross, disgusted.  Truth be told, i think i even took the longer way home because i was terrified of what was about to happen.

THE GAME PLAN:
When I arrived home, my whole family was sitting on the couches waiting for me to join them.  Again, i can't remember much of that conversation either.  I'm not just playing dumb or avoiding the reality...i honestly don't remember much except for the amazing amount of support and encouragement that my parents immediately displayed to me (Thanks Mom, Dad, and Shayna).  Besides the fact that they were besides themselves and wanted to go strangle "Wilson" (my sister included, i'm sure), nope...instead, they made a game plan.  The next morning my father would march us to work and speak to the Manager of the supermarket.  My sister and I would immediately quit the establishment.  We would then go to the police.  Finally, we were lawyering up.  Lastly, they would NOT let me go to Sarah Lawrence College (2 months later) unless i agreed to therapy now and therapy at college!!!  Touche my friends, they had planned it all. (Now i know where i get my ability to make a plan attitude.)

I do have to say that going to sleep that night, i felt an enormous weight had been lifted from inside of me after that discussion with my parents.  I no longer had to hide it.  I no longer had to be embarrassed about it, and I no longer had to be beyond ashamed about it.  Unfortunately, with the huge relief of my emotional turmoil also came the total and utter destruction of my bowels.  Holding that type of emotional information in for so long physically destroyed my colon, and for years after, when my emotions got the better of me, I would have horrible colon spasms and diarrhea.  As a Professional Dancer, it certainly made my life challenging.  LOL.

On Monday, the plan was fully executed.  My sister and I were done at the Supermarket.  My parents and I went to the local Police.  Unfortunately (as my mother refreshed my memory), the local Chief of Police was reluctant to take the case because of his longtime friendship with the owner of the Supermarket.  So, just like me, my parents went bigger and better.  We went to the larger town's police station where I became pretty close with the Chief of Police there.  I should have, i spent the next 6 weeks with him on multiple occasions.  

As we lawyered up, it became clear quickly that criminally it would be very difficult to prosecute him, as it would be the first case of its kind in the New Hampshire Criminal Court Systems and it would end up being a "Wilson" vs. Seth, his word against my word situation, UNLESS we got a strong confession.  So, what did i do?  After telling my story again and again with my parents in the room, lawyers in the room, and policemen in the room, we had concocted a plan whereby I would contact "Wilson" with a legal 3rd person tap and fearlessly try and get "Wilson" to cough up to the facts of the case.  I had to be explicit and I had to be completely and 100% sincere and honest while trying to catch him.  Since I had never called him at home, he would probably know something was up...or his attorneys would have advised him against speaking to me at all costs.  Plus, after following him for some weeks at that point, the police had pinpointed 6:45-7am as the best time to contact him.  We tried on several occasions on different days to contact him, to no avail.  Finally, toward the middle of August, i managed to catch him at home.  Being the person who he was, he spoke to me...and much more than he should have.  As i explicitly relayed the details of what happened, he would only say, "it didn't happen that way"...clearly, he was coached for the conversation.  It wasn't enough.  My weeks of preparation had failed me.

That was the toughest part of the whole 6-year battle with him and the Supermarket - those weeks that i spent with the Police.  They were incredible too, by the way.  They were extremely kind and went way above and beyond the call of duty, in my opinion, to try and NAIL this old pervert (they used to call him).  In the end, the attorneys, my parents, and I decided that a criminal case would completely interrupt my life, my schooling, and I might be crucified on the stand again and again by the defending attorney.  It was just too much of an uphill battle and the attorneys were steadfast that we could do more overall damage to the Supermarket (and "Wilson") if we dragged them through a very long litigation process.  That's just what it was, 6-long years of back and forth.  My attorney did the best he could to allow me to flourish in College and in Ecuador.  Things started heating up however when i arrived back in the United States.

THE OUTCOME:
Speaking of Ecuador, miraculously, after being a vegan/vegetarian for more than 2 years at College, the year i spent in Ecuador cleared my bowels right up.  I only had one or two bouts of what i used to call, Exploding Diarrhea (LOL)...but the rest of the year, i was perfect.  In fact, it cleared me up so well that in times of great emotional distress (to this day), and only those times, does my colon spasm or "act up" as I like to call it.  Thank God for Ecuador.

During the years 1999, 2000, and 2001, from time to time, i would receive calls from the attorney asking me questions, or telling me the details or the latest injunctions on the case.  Given these situations, I always embraced the fact that i would need to tell my partners, as it would always take me a bit of time to bounce back into my life...after one of those phone calls.  In early 2001, the negotiations started heating up.  Eventually, after 6 years, we settled on a number between the Supermarket and myself.  Clearly, i can't talk about the details of this number, other than to say, i was a little disappointed.  However, we had definitely made our point, not only in our small town, or with the Supermarket, but also with the State of New Hampshire, as it was the first case of its kind to hit the Civil Courts as well.  Woohoo!  I know that i changed a great deal about man-on-man sexual abuse/harassment charges in New Hampshire...and I am proud of that.

To Be Continued...

Part 3.  It's important to tell the story, but it's also important to not only encourage others to tell their stories, but to embrace their stories, and heal from their stories.  Therefore, Part 3 will be what i learned about myself, what i learned about life, and how even writing this i continue to heal (and i thought i had accepted this situation at 100%).  There's always more work to be done!

BTW - there's more to this story...oh yes...there's more...but I have to leave you wanting more and i have to make sure you will want to buy the book, should i choose to write it, or go see the movie, should i choose to write that.  Several of you have requested that I do just that, either a book or a movie...and it's got me to thinking.


THINGS TO REMEMBER:

1) No matter what the hurt or pain, the events can be healed.  Talk to me, i can help you do it!!!  I'm opening my Life Coaching practice again.

2) As i always say, if you LOVE the blog, tell everyone.  If you HATE the blog, give me feedback, bitches!!!

3) Lastly, if you ask me what i think about the whole situation in North Carolina and other states who make decisions like these, the people live in FEAR and have not been EXPOSED to enough Modern Family, Ellen, a little Brokeback, Queen Latifah, etc...  I believe deep down they all KNOW that the world is changing and there will be equal human rights sooner than they would like.  It will happen.  Who's with me?  Can i get an Amen up in here???

Lots of love,

Seth.

P.S.  If you want to join my "Smile From the Inside" distribution list (google group) and haven't do so already, please visit the following website:  https://groups.google.com/d/forum/smilefromtheinside



Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A SECRET REVEALED - PART ONE

a little OTF (on the fly) video from me to you...


I find it no coincidence that out of my 5-6 serious partners (most of whom were man...yes, i was with a couple women), most, if not all, were either sexually abused or physically abused as children.  It definitely was and continues to be a major problem.  Therefore, i want to tell my story.  I am breaking this blog into Part 1 and Part 2 (and possibly Part 3).  There is a tough story to reveal and some tough words I get to express after the fact.  I guarantee you it will be worth reading...so be patient.  Who knows, Part 2 might even come out before next Wednesday (now...that i'm back on track).

It really sucks when you have the very first public Sexual Harassment (Man to Man) case on trial in the State of New Hampshire.  Thank God, i was either away at college or studying abroad in Ecuador for the SIX YEARS the case lasted in the Court systems until finally we settled.  Read the story below, please!


THE SITUATION SET UP:
I worked at a small supermarket chain in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire.  In order to protect the people, my settlement, and/or the company involved, i will change names around...a bit.  My sister also worked at this supermarket, thus how I easily got the job.  At that age, i couldn't just rely on my good looks...i was still growing into them.  I was about 15 years old when i started working there.  It was my 3rd job (after shoveling shit and "helping out" my father with the semi-mandatory major landscaping and tree clearing).  I started as a bagger.  Yes, folks.  I was a great bagger.  In fact, it was suggested to me enter into the NH State Bagging Competition.  Yes, i also was stunned.  There is such a thing!  Ok...i will speed up, because otherwise we'll never get to the good stuff.  After bagging, I became a cashier at 16.  I also was trained in the Produce (Fruits & Veggies) Department as well as the Grocery Department.  They were definitely grooming me.   Duh!  'Cause i was "wicked" smaaart!  (Sorry, i had to...)

As i worked there, the Assistant Manager, we'll call him "Wilson," befriended me.  He was 48 at the time.  (Now, it wasn't all that weird that adults wanted to be my friends.  I'd like to think that a great deal of my friends' parents LOVED having conversations and "hanging out" with me too.  This went too far!)  Anyway...to make a long story short, he gained my full trust.  We had lunch together on various occasions, we shared "personal" information, and he let me drive his car, which for me around the age of 16, was a big deal.  Of course, everyone knew what a "PERVERT" he was, but i kind of enjoyed his sassy (now, gay), bitchy, and sexual humour.  Truth be told, in contrast, my sister, surely never liked the guy!  He and I became very friendly...with myself even working for him on the weekends.  It was a lot of fun.  I never felt scared or anything around him.  Looking back, i see how much i clearly needed a friend to talk to.  I had just come out at school, and no one REALLY understood me...or so i thought. It was after my "It Gets Better" times...  I confided in him about my sexual exploration and he confided in me about his.  I believe, at first, "Wilson" definitely was interested in just being my friend...but then i think i was just too honest, sweet, cute, and delicious to a 48-year old man (who should have known better - we'll get to that).  And, i too, was infatuated with this older man who gave me all the attention in the world.  And, i'm not embarrassed anymore to admit it.  So, there!!!


WHAT HAPPENED - THE FIRST TIME:
As time progressed, we became closer and closer, and we would share our "gay" experiences with each other.  Did i mention he was "happily" married with 2.5 children, the white picket fence, and had old money???  Unfortunately or fortunately, not anymore.  It was a snow stormy February weekend, and on Saturdays normally i worked up front as a cashier...and on Sunday, i split my time between Produce and Grocery.  Since it was a storm, the mad rush in the am was over...and slowly, they started sending everyone home.  I asked if i could get Produce and Grocery prepared enough, so that I wouldn't even need to come on that particular Sunday.  Everyone went home...and it just happened that it was "Wilson" and myself in the back area finishing up.  He had been hanging around me and making more sexual jokes than ever.  Now that i look back, he might have totally planned the whole thing.  As i was about to leave, he asked me if i needed to wash my hands.  My hands were pretty dirty...so i went to wash them in the "lunch room" and he must have purposefully taken away the soap.  Anyway...i followed him into the bathroom.  

There, he made his move...and I thought it was completely mutual.  There was no forcing to do anything...i really thought that i wanted it.  I won't get too explicit, but let's just say there was kissing and groping...and then clearly, i was a 16-year-old boy, so i finished in like 2 minutes...and i was so embarrassed i ran into the stall, pulled up my pants, and tried NOT to think about ANYTHING.  I was just thinking...how the hell do i get out of here as quickly as possible???  Ashamed.  Disgusted.  After about 5 minutes of trying to coax me out of the bathroom stall, he left the room.  Then, after a few more minutes, i left and drove straight home.

On the way home (my 7-10 minute drive...only because of the snow), i kept telling myself that it was my second "gay" person encounter...and that it was another sexual experience.  I should just put it in the same place as i put my first love, Matthew.  Something inside of me, though, must have known that it was NOT okay.  The next week, he came up to me at work and asked me to please keep my mouth shut about what happened.  He advised that it was very special to him but if word got out, it would ruin him.  Are you kidding???  The whole conversation was absurd.  Of course, i wasn't going to tell anyone.  I kept his word...FOR FIVE MONTHS!!!  About as long as it takes to destroy one's colon enough to be diagnosed with IBS for the next 4 years.  Good times!


WHAT HAPPENED - THE SECOND TIME:
Everything eventually got back to "normal," and we pretty much stopped speaking after that.  He was extremely careful from then on.  I would always catch him staring at me and, you know what, i actually felt sorry for him.  I mean, here's a man, who clearly was gay and was pretending to be straight to everyone but his wife.  Apparently, she knew about his gay sexcapades!  And "Wilson" had resorted to manipulating a kid into a sexual encounter with him.  I still feel sorry for him, to this day!

Then roughly in July, "Wilson" happend to be sitting next to me in the lunch room with my sister present.  He was playing footsies with me...and of course, being a 16-year-old boy, i got horny.  Duh!  I went into the bathroom kinda hoping he would follow, kinda not.  He followed me into the bathroom.  Oh god...i thought.  I started to pray that someone would come in the room.  I immediately went into the stall and locked the door.  He kept trying to entice me to come out...by saying "You have a beautiful penis..." -- which kinda ruined the phrase for me until about a few years ago.  I would always shy away from anyone who said that.  I mean, i am very happy down there...(let's just keep it at that...since i know my parents and the world are reading this!)  Anyway...after about 3-5 minutes, someone walked up the stairs and "Wilson" left the room.  I then referred to that random guy as my hero for the next few months, until i left for school.  That "HERO" still, to this day, probably has no idea that he helped me from a very precarious, uncomfortable, and illegal situation.  Even my sister noticed there was something off about the whole situation.

It would take me a few more weeks to build up enough courage to finally tell my friend, Matthew, and then my parents...YIKES!!!

To...Be...Continued...

In an effort to keep EVERYONE engaged, stay tuned for Part 2 (next week) when I tell you all about HOW IT CAME OUT; THE AFTERMATH; POLICE, LAWYERS, AND MORE LAWYERS OH MY!!!; and MY PROCESS (almost 18 years later).  There might even be a Part 3.

I'm sure at some point, I will include the full full story in detail in one of my forthcoming NYTimes Bestselling Books.  

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

1)  Tune in for next season of RuPaul's Drag Race!  I can't fucking wait!!!  And a HUGE shout out to Sharon Needles for the win!!!  
2)  Everything in life is a choice.  I could choose to be trapped by this story or i could choose to tell the world.  With therapy, coaching, and tons of work on myself, I want to set the example for everyone.
3)  If you LOVE the blog, please share it with everyone on your fb account.  Right now.  If you don't like the blog...please don't share it with anyone.
4) and don't worry about me...after publishing this blog, i am going to make a chocolate mousse for dessert tonight.  I think i've surrendered and accepted completely what has happened to me.  You can too!!!
5) Oh yeah...and some day, i really really really want my own Smile From The Inside TV Talk Show.  Just putting it out there...

Love you bitches!!!


"Inspiring the world, one by one, to smile from the inside out" -- Seth Santoro