Saturday, March 31, 2012

IN MY FABULOUS GAY BACKYARD...


VINCENT (Vinnie) Van Goat
Meet 1/2 of the newest addition to our family.  This is Vincent Van Goat (a/k/a Vinnie), the wether.  He and his twin sister, Trixie Van Goat, the doe-ling (below) are now 19 days old today.  They are amazing, quite possibly the cutest things ever.  I mean...i thought that puppies were cute, but these kidds are ridiculous.  Here's the other 1/2.

Belle & Trixie Van Goat
What do you have in your backyard?  I bet it's not like mine...at all.

What possessed us to get Goats, you may ask.  I really don't fucking now.  My partner wanted to expand our family by one.  However, all goat breeders (if they are good) will make sure you get 2 goats, as they are herding animals...therefore they need to be with at least one other goat.  So, we got 2.  Anyway...my partner and i checked out all of the goat-ing sights.  I told him we could get the smallest goats that exist.    Those are Nigerian Dwarf Dairy Goats.  So, we checked out all sorts of sights...and I found ready-to-go kidds at GoatHead Farms.  It was an amazing farm with 20+ goats in Utah.  Fortunately, they were only 400 miles away.  The other kidds available all had to be Shipped.  Don't even ask me how they do that!!!  Anyway...we drove to La Verkin, UT, and then went to nearby ZION National Park, which is absolutely breath-taking.  You know us gays, always making a romantic road trip out of it...and voila!!! we brought the kidds back in the trunk of Rav 4 with Maggie (who just licked them to death, really...).  When we arrived home after tons 'o traffic later, we Aveeno'ed them straight away, so they would have less goat smell and more Aveeno smell.  It worked...and they have managed (somehow) to stay amazing clean over the last 6 days.

Let me tell you some things about goats.  When i was shoveling manure in highschool, in exchange for boarding my horse, there were 2 goats on the property.  They were the most annoying animals ever.  Especially, after cleaning the entire barn, 3-4 hours of work sometimes, they would purposefully come in and poop and pee everywhere.  In case you don't know, Goats (like deers) drop pellets...but about 75-100 round pellets in one "sitting" (if you will).  I HATED them.  So, naturally, i was reluctant to get goats.  But...i feel i have matured...and I am going to wee-wee pad train these bad boys, if it's the last thing i do.  Goats are smarter than dogs.  I'm not kidding (no pun intended).  They already somewhat know their names...and I am going to teach them everything that Maggie knows and more!!!  Also, just so you know, it's a good idea to dis-bud them (removing their horns), so that they don't get aggressive with them and/or catch them in fences and rip them off.  That would be bad!!  Lastly, our little boy, is currently being wethered (neutered).  Because i know you are curious...in the goat-ing world, they tie rubber bands around the balls.  Within 8-12 hours (of slight pain), the balls lose all sensation...and about 4-6 weeks later, the balls shrivel up and fall off.  Great!  I can't wait for that!    

Also, in my backyard, I have three hens..."Griselda" (the Diana Ross look-a-like fro queen), "Daisy" (the Southern Belle), and "Grandma Sparkle" (appropriately and respectively named after the 94-year old character address "Sparkle" that used to live in this house).  I just call them "the girls".  The girls produce anywhere between 16 and 20 eggs per week at the ripe old age of 8 months old.  They can be loud.  They can be crazy.  And sometimes, i'm sure, the neighbor's hate us.  BUT...they are truly amazing and quite fun to watch actually...  And i know that they are part of our gay family because when the girls come over once/twice per day and "assume the position".  What do i mean by that, you might ask???  They literally get into a sexual position with their "pussies" in our faces.  So, my partner and I kindly oblige... and shake them up a little bit.  The girls adore it, especially Daisy (the red one here below).  Within 5 seconds, they ruffle all of their feathers and shake enthusiastically, as if to orgasm.  It's rather crazy.  They are whores just like their owners.  Yay!  A job well done.

Daisy, Griselda, Sparkle (left to right)

This past week, we were really busy back there.  We are re-shaping our backyard to be the amazing gay-friendly spot for all to come and play.  We might even charge admission with our farm-ily.  I am proud to say that I actually ROTATILLED the entire 4,000 square foot backyard all by myself.  It was quite the feat.  I felt so STRAIGHT afterwards it wasn't even funny.  Well...perhaps it was a bit funny.  But I did feel manly and like i didn't need to go the gym...(so, that was a huge plus!!!)  Then, we planted SOD, which i had heard this word my entire life and only last week confirmed the meaning...it's pre-grown grass sillies!!!  It looks f'ing fabulous if i do say so myself.  Even my father didn't think it was possible...but coming from a long-line of professional landscapers and vegetable/herb sellers definitely has its perks every once in a while.  Thanks, Dad!  I must admit though, unlike my childhood, i REFUSE to WEED.  Nowadays, there are amazing sprayers that are non-harmful to hens, goats, and dogs...but kill all the weeds necessary.  I don't really understand how that works, but i digress.

Additionally, in our backyard...we have a coop, appropriately named "The Best Lay in Town", a composter (with no name...yet), a beautiful vegetable garden (which right now resembles a bunch of graves ready for burial), two lounge chairs, and a beautiful matching umbrella-set.  You know, the outdoor octagonal cedar table with 5-6 chairs...and an umbrella.  Lastly, we have a mother-in-law garage (where we would put evil step-mothers or evil sisters).  I promise when we are done and the grass is starting to grow...i will take a picture and show you my fab gay backyard.

"BEST LAY IN TOWN"  Coop

OK...so, this might not have been the most thrilling or entertaining...but it is our crazy farm-ily.  OH yeah...and Maggie, our 23-lb French Bulldog, is now going through a bit of depression, as the goats are sleeping in our kitchen (at night).  Maggie doesn't understand this.  I am doing everything i can to make Maggie feel special, to no avail.  Any ideas???

I know I could be speaking about how I didn't win the MegaMillions or the horrible tragedy that is Trayvon Martin, but I really felt that this week, since this is an introduction into a gay man's life, it would be more appropriate to introduce you to my farm-ily (lol).

video

In closing, I had a dream last night that Oprah saw my blog and LOVED it...and overnight it became a success.  It was pretty awesome!!!

If you like what you read, share with everyone.  If you hate what you read...keep reading and tell no one. If you want some goats, email me...we have already had 2 people ask for their kidds in 12 months from now.  Oh yeah...did i mention that we need to breed Trixie in order to start collecting MILK and then making GOAT CHEESE.  We really can't wait!!!

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